Sometimes They Just Suck

If anyone sees the father of my children please let me know because the moron wandering around in the  Shug outfit can't possibly be the man I married.

Home

I'm home from Jamaica.  I have so much to write but alas I'm going to have to wait until some brain cells re-grow.  It was that much fun. 

Before and Middle

Here are the before and middle pictures of my life with a trainer.  The afters will come sometime this spring when I am at my health goal.  These two pictures were taken 13 weeks apart.

Puffers Paradise

Mr. Shug ask me in the spring what I wanted for my 40th birthday.  I said a long trip to Jamaica, time on the beach with him and some great ganja friends.  We leave on Wednesday.  I love Mr. Shug...

40 and Kick Ass

Today is my 40th birthday! It feels great.  It feels the way 16 and 21 did, totally bad ass.  I'm happy, healthy, and loved by many amazing people.  I'm full of gratitude for the life I have been given and plan to live it that way. 

Last Day of 39 and some other stuff...

I can't believe I haven't written anything for so long. It's not that I have nothing to write about because I do.  I started to feel like my writting could be boderline boring so was stuck in a rut.  But then I got my mojo back and along with that comes my abnormally high self esteem so... I'm back! 

Whats been going on:

FGW
I had my anual Fall Girls Weekend.  It was completely out of controll as usual.  Six women way out in the country with lots of great food and plenty of party supplies is a recipie for greatness/trouble, depending how you look at it.  My friends tend to lean toward the crazier side. Or maybe all good women are like this but not all are bold and brave enough to let their real selves shine through.  We took turns driving the golf cart around drunk.  I think this is a perfectly safe activity being that the cart will only go so fast and we are in the middle of nowhere.  Conversatin topics of FGW: How much husbands were loved, why pot should be leagalized, the greatest bands of all time, top 5 books, how much husbands could be unloved, turning 40, dreams, best wine, how smart we are, if all woman have lesbian tendencies, is that really cheating..., secreat blogs, secret crushes, ...
I really believe I have an amazing group of woman in my life.  One of them has known and loved me since we were 8yrs old.  Others of us have been friends for over 20 years.  We agreed a long time ago to be a constant in each others lives no matter how fucked up one of us got.  There is a great security and freedom that comes with this kind of promise.  When anyone of us is flipping out, going crazy, just being a real bitch or a bad friend, we ride it out.  We know that at anytime "it could be me" so we just stick it out until the nutty one gets her senses back.  I know that these woman will never leave me, I know that I will never leave them.  It is an example of friendship that I hope my children witness and create in their on lives someday. Well not the booze and drugs and fucked up parts. 

Annual Magnolia Food Fight
Each year Mr. Shug and I host a food fight for our street.  We set up several tables of sweet foods that can be hosed into the ground (so 2 weeks later your not still starreing at noodles in your yard), a first aid station table, an icechest of adult beverages, a kids icechest, and chairs to watch.  We started doing this because it sounded like a great time.  Our kids think we are the best parents ever, for that day anyway.

Stroke

My grandmother had a stroke.  Because my mother is no longer alive the job of taking care of the elderly in the family has fallen to my sister and I.  Which by the way we don't mind.  And I mean that, I didn't just say that to protect my karma. So we loaded up the kids and drove 3 hours to the hospital to handle things.  It totally sucks that real life hospitals are nothing like Grey's Anatomy.  She survived and is now in a premire neuro rehab center where they are working daily to unscramble her brain. 

The end of 39

Today is the last day of my 30's.  I'm so happy to be turning 40.  I would never go back.  I am more wiser, happier, secure in my own skin, a better friend, a better mother, cuter and healthier, full of gratitude and full of love with each passing year! SO BRING ON 40!

Coming tomorrow:  Before and after pictures of my life with a trainer!

 I can't believe there is no spell check.  I have a degree in Journalism but can't spell worth a damn!

PMS - It's Not Just for Periods Anymore

I spent a better portion of yesterday thinking about how Mr. Shug and most of the other people I know where total dumb asses. Nobody could do/say anything right, except for me of course. Somewhere around mid afternoon I realized I must be having PMS. This has never been a problem for me but it seems as I get closer to 40 something is changing. I'm pissed just thinking about it. I don't mind at all that I'm almost 40, I'm pissed because now there is the very real possibility that once a month my husband is going to be secretly drawing up divorce papers in his head while my kids whisper to each other that they want me and daddy to split up so they only have to see me every other weekend. I do not want to be a bitch unless I want to be a bitch and PMS leaves me no option. Sister told me to take drugs (prescription, not pot), said she does every month for this reason. After some thinking I decided to get back on my "mommy's chasing butterflies" pill and pop the Xanex when I feel the PMS coming on. Problem solved. BUT THEN... last night as I listened to Mr. Shug droning on and on talking I realized this had nothing to do with menstrual...it was marital. I have been having Post Maritial Syndrome. I'm being a total bitch because I'm married! Armed with this new epiphany, I gave myself PXS - Post Xanex Syndrome, sat on the front porch, smoked cigarettes and sipped on some wine. The wine was thrown in for good measure, I didn't want the Xanex to have to kick the bitchy moods ass all by itself! I just feel empowered knowing that anytime during the month if I'm feeling bitchy and Mr. Shug says "Do you have PMS?" I can say yes and it will be true.

KY - XXX

My friend told me about Intense, a new KY product for women. The cost is $25.00. For KY? So I went to the website to check it out. I was blown away. By the website I mean. I was beyond grateful that the kids were at school. I felt like I had "accidently" stumbled onto a soft porn site. This is NOT the KY of our parents generation. Products for men, women, partners and couples. Massage, tingle, warming, his and hers, something for everyone. There is an "Intimacy Index" which helps you figure out where you are, where you want to be and how to get there. WOW. If you are not sure what to do with their products they will gladly explain, using very frank language, exactly where/how to use it. The site is very interactive, even offering you a place to create a wish list of your fantsies and the products you want your partner to buy. I'm laughing my ass off right now pictureing that being on a wedding invitation as places the couple are registered! I almost forgot, while your browsing the site there is porn music playing in the background to set the mood...I guess.

All this time I thought I had to go to a "special store" to get the goods and all I had to do was walk into my local drugstore! Not that I'm embarresed to go into the sexy shops, it's just more convient to run up the street and grab some allergy meds and a bottle of "Intrigue - to unlock my fantisies".

The website could almost count as a "fluffer". And if you don't know what that is then your not familiar with porn making lingo or have never hung out on my front porch with a bunch of my neighbors and a few bottles of wine. That could be a positive or a negative. Either way...

Did I buy the Intense? Maybe, but don't bother asking Mr. Shug because..... "K-Y® Brand INTENSE™ was specially formulated for a woman's use". That makes me laugh my head off! GO KY, your stepping out of the box and your not afraid of getting dirty!

KY

A Day in the Life of a kick ass Stay @ Homer

Took the kids to their 2nd day of school which translates into 7hrs of me drinking and watching porn. Of course that's not true, I had lots of things to take care of and get done...and who could watch porn for 7hrs? horrible

Worked out with my personal trainer for 1hr. Mr. P decided that he would add jump rope sessions between every set of exercises to keep my hear rate up which in my opinion is already UP. So I learned to jump rope the correct way. Picture a boxer, like Rocky Balboa, but not at his prime, more like when he was trying to make a comeback and had gained a lot of weight. ANYWAY, lucky for me I was wearing black workout pants because turns out after birthing 2 kids "jumping rope" is synonymous with "lets pee myself". If that just freaked you out then pretend it's not true. I now have to decide if I'm going to give Mr.P (20 something yrs) a lesson on what happens to a woman's body after birthing or wear a pad. Both options suck.

Took Pablo to the dog park!

Went to the cleaners, the grocery, the photo shop, the post office, the bank, and the grocery.

Picked kids up from school.

Helped one with homework, made after school snacks, and folded 2 loads of laundry.

Prepared a yummy dinner of asparagus, fresh from the community garden black eye peas, broccoli and a rotisserie chicken (made by the grocery). As soon as I had gotten all the meat off the bones and plated it one of the kids called for me and while I was out of the room (for about 4 minutes) Pablo ate ALL the meat off the plate. All of it. I then nuked some frozen chicken nuggets.

Played with the kids, bathed the kids, put the kids to bed, kissed them goodnight, got a drink of water for one, tucked them back in, kissed them again, a then thanked my creator for the gift of my children.

Put away the dinner, cleaned the kitchen.

Sat on my wonderful front porch with R, my friend since 3rd grade, smoked cigarettes and had a glass of wine. I know the smokes are awful and I have already addressed it in an earlier post.

Made out with Mr. Shug.

It was a good day. There were a few things I had to leave out because if I put them in print I wouldn't be able to plead the 5th.

The New Face of Whip Its?

I'm not sure what to say about this. I'm not sure what to say about the fact that I bought it. Have I reached a new low? Admittedly I am feeling lazy as summer rolls to an end. There are a million pancake mixes out there that only require you add water... and I bought one in a spray can???? In my defense, the kids were begging me, and going to the grocery with the kids is like strolling the market in Mexico. The constant barrage of "buy this" "please please buy this, your so pretty" "I'll do anything if you buy this, please" wears a mother out!

And as for the Whip Its part... I laughed my head off picturing a bunch of moms standing around doing a WI before making their kids breakfast. For the record, I have not done a Whip It in 20 years - it's so 80's.

13 Weeks to 40

I am turning 40 in 13 weeks and leaving for a long vacation in Jamaica in 14 wks. I am now officially in freak out mode. I am meeting with a personal trainer 3x a week, eating healthy and trying wanting to quit smoking. I know, I know, the whole smoking thing is so 89', stinky, stupid, and bad for me, I know this - that's why I'm wanting to quit. Anyway, I'm wanting to roll into 40 in the best shape of my life. Healthy, strong, and looking so good other girls call me Bitch behind my back. I understand this may sound vain, it is. And I don't give a shit.

I have come through the first 40 with lots of my brain cells intact, a group of amazing girlfriends, a cool house on an even cooler street, a husband that I love, 2 really funny & happy kids, and a reputation that I am proud of. And my hope for the next 40 is more of the same plus a body that is HOT. My trainer says if I do what he says I will get to that place. I'm thinking of posting a before and after picture. That does feel a little cheesy. What the hell, I love before and afters so I probably will. I will feel like such an asshole if I look the same in 14 wks because I screwed around and ate like a horse. OK, that may be just the motivation I need.

A Community Garden Kicks Ass

Its time for a Community Garden update. After practically forcing my neighbors to join me in the CG, that for awhile was a garden of one, things have really taken off. What was once an ugly empty lot at the end of our street is beautiful. It is kicking ass! I have harvested more tomatoes than I know what to do with, cantaloupe, bell peppers, jalapenos, purple bells, onions, and eggplant. While it is a CG, it is actually comprised of several individual gardens. A community space of gardens. I built it this way because I have the best neighbors in the world, who like to drink and enjoy other extracurricular activities that some times leave us/them zoned out, lazy and forgetful. Meaning that the garden may or may not get watered or tended when it needs to so this way each is in charge of their own space. There is a very strong sense of community and we help each other out whenever its needed, unless of course someone forgets what they were gonna do. This makes it sound like I live on a street filled with Alzheimer's patients. I am so happy that it has worked and how beautiful the space is now. Magnolia Community Garden Rocks!

Family Vacation Detox

We are home from family vacation. I don't even know where to begin. I'm grateful that we were able to go on vacation, that everyone came home safe and well ("well" is debatable when considering my mental health), that the children got to enjoy the beach and that there was a bar right beside the pool. Now onto the good stuff. The not so grateful parts: every time I told the kids "no" my in laws told them "yes, if its OK with your mom" - which makes me always look like the killjoy, one family member only needs a couple of drinks to get drunk (thanks to weight loss surgery) and 3 to get shit faced and is a very paranoid drunk, sand in the sheets, and the BEST one of all......... a family member posted pictures of me in my swimsuit on Facebook. This part sent me over the edge and required Xanax to pull me back. Who does that? I would never ever put a picture of one of my friends (or family) in their SWIMSUIT on the Internet unless they asked me to. Hell even movie starts want their photos airbrushed before the world sees them! I am in serious Family Vacation Detox.

Please, if you love me, Photoshop me

I can honestly say I would never post an ugly picture of anyone on Facebook. Even someone I didn't like. I sure wouldn't want someone to do it to me. So when a well meaning friend posts an ugly picture... Maybe it's my vanity speaking, maybe so, but I when someone I haven't seen in 20 years looks at a photo I've been tagged in I wanna look good! I was just your normal HS girls with way too much eye shadow and way big hair wearing Units outfits. I feel like a good bottle of wine, that I have only gotten better with age. I would like my pictures to reflect that! Mr. Shug says I have a really high self esteem - I'm not wearing Units and purple eyeshadow anymore so it should be higher than in HS. I'm saying all this because after a 40th birthday dinner for a friend/neighbor I woke up thinking that she might be posting pictures. I normally wouldn't fly out of bed to check but before the dinner (7pm) I had stopped off a little earlier (3pm) for a couple of drinks with another friend. Suffice to say when I arrived at the b-day dinner I was very composed but secretly had a really good buzz going. All this led up to me really enjoying the picture taking. I did make a mad dash for the computer and sure enough in nice big print "_____ has tagged you in 7 pictures". I untagged myself as quickly as possible from the really bad ones and left the halfway descent picture of me and Mr. Shug. There still there for all the FB folks to see. I have to live with that. But from now on I am going to be so selective when friends are taking pictures unless it is my BFF's who would never post a bad picture. If your humming "Your So Vain" right now I don't even mind, because I just might be - today.
Units

Deep in love, not a lot to say...

Mr. Shug comes home to night. He left last week for the mountains. Mountain biking with some friends and opening the cabin for the summer. I can't wait to see him, hug him, love on him. He is everything I want. And there is a part of me, that I can't explain, that will miss the easiness of having him gone. I feel a little ashamed to even type it. He is the love of my life, kind and gentle, funny to the core, and still gives me butterflies. And yet, when he returns from a trip I always feel these screwy mixed up feelings.

Facebook Adult Supervision

When I first got on Facebook I accepted every friend request that came my way. The friends that I had lost touch with over the years, the people from high school that I had always wondered what had happened to, the friend of the friend that I got drunk with a few years back (what was their name? they sure were fun, I think), the crush I thought I would always like, the people I went to HS with but didn't remember (you went to HS with ____, be their friend), moms from the kids school, the list goes on and on. After I got over the new of FB I realized I needed to do a clean up. Things had spiraled out of control and the friend list was full of people I didn't really know or care about. I decided to use the closet method - if I hadn't sent a message directly to them or worn them in the last 6 months they were off the list! This felt almost as good as cleaning out my closet and went a whole lot faster. The problem was solved! Sadly, new problems continue to arise. The request from family members (she parties that much?), my trainer (no need to see me chowing down on a big fat burger), my friend's mom (feels too much like adult supervision), you get the drift. So how do you get off the hook? And for all those out there who have their boss on their friend list, wake up people. If you have know idea what I'm talking about then please check out http://beanieandmrt.blogspot.com/2009/06/why-you-shouldnt-friend-your-boss-on.html, and then take your boss off!

I Feel Thinner Because...

• This morning when I weighed I saw a number that I haven't seen in 5 years!
• I have been hungry for the last 3 months.
• Yesterday at the water park with my kids I saw several moms that were bigger than me (and yes I feel like a real bitch saying this one, but it is true we have all compared ourselves to someone else to feel better at some point. And I was in a swimsuit so was needing some serious feel better mojo)
• I have lost 2o something pounds!!!!
• I'm wearing a pair of pants that have never fit since they landed in my closet!
• I'm trying to think like a thin person to help change my brain and skinny people always feel thin, right? Just typing that made me feel cheesy.
• I have less to lose than I've already lost!

I will turn 40 this fall and I am going to be hot and healthy. I know healthy should be first in that sentence but I'm trying to be honest! I'm tired of being the chick with the great personality that's cute and kinda chunky. I don't think it would be so bad if when I'm 40 someone describes be as that "MILF with the 2 kids"! In fact I would love it!

Irreconcilable Differences: He didn't shut the bathroom door

This morning I woke to find bathroom trash all over the house. I'm not a morning person and fake it everyday for the sake of my children but today there was no chance. Mr. Shug just "forgot I guess" to shut the bathroom door - for the 1 billionth time. How hard can it be? Last month I told him if he didn't start remembering to shut the door I was going to have to get a hysterectomy. Just saying it made me laugh my ass off - the response I got from him was one of those dumb husband stares. I know I ask a lot from him: pick up your underwear, dishes in the sink, take out the trash ONCE a week, but I don't think this is asking too much. Well, obviously it is... I don't want to resort to putting a screen door spring on the bathroom door but at this point I don't have a lot of options. Do you remember the chickens at the Fair that could do tricks? Every time they they poked a certain colored button with their beak a little treat would drop out. I bet if every time he remembered to shut the door a can of beer rolled down a shoot into his hand we wouldn't have a problem. I need to teach the old dog some new tricks, and teach Pablo that his food is the stuff in a bowl in the laundry room! Period

Eggplant - Because I can't think of a better title

I grew this. I GREW THIS. I am so jazzed about my eggplant! The community garden that I practically forced on my neighbors is really kickin some ass! There are 7 working garden beds making food (slowly) and looking so lovely.

No drugs needed

This is the moon I see from my yard tonight, without any drugs involved. I did swirl my camera around and use a slow shutter speed. I have seen a moon very similiar to this, many years ago, in large part to some very good drugs.

Another day another funeral, and no I am not a mortician...

I am heading to another funeral today. If this keeps up people may stop being my friend. In 15 months I have been to 7 funerals that I can remember. I say this because for about 6 months after my mom's (May 08) whenever I went to one I just zoned out and mostly relived hers or pictured myself on a beach - drunk. Guess I was my coping. Anyway, I have known so many people to die lately its starting to make me... And I'm even talking about the ones that I don't really know but know their families or friends. I am counting these as well because I still feel bad for them. I am officially declaring that know one closely related through blood or friends (or Cyber space) can die for the rest of the year. And I can only hope that I don't come across one more blog of someone loosing a child because this I really cannot bare. The back story to that is, by total chance I came across a blog and then another of women who had just lost a child. Some horrible thing that I could not control took over me and I spent the next several days/weeks reading all their old post while simultaneously checking for updates. I cried for them, ached for them and don't even know them. I now feel like one of the women is my friend, being that I did have to send her an e-mail a time or two. I didn't mean to care so about a perfect stranger but it just happened. My heart still a little torn from the loss of my mom grieved for a stranger. I could write more on all this but alas I must leave for the next funeral.

Yard of the Month Quest

In my ongoing quest for Yard of the Month I have decided to strategically place the arrangements from my grandmothers funeral last week in my front flower beds. Have I stooped to a new low? Probably, but the idea makes me laugh my head off. My grandmother had a true green thumb so I am thinking it is quiet fitting. I have never liked the idea of leaving at the graveyard all the beautiful flowers. No one see them again and they rot away. After my grandfathers funeral a few years back, my sister and I snuck back and took lots of flowers. We brought them home, put them in vases of our own and set them all around our houses. This time I'm not even taking them out of the original containers, just sticking them in among my own stuff! I don't really think I'll win. Its one way to Reduce Reuse Recycle!

How Pablo saves my diet!

Pablo (our dog) just ate an entire plate of brownies off the kitchen counter. These weren't just any brownies, they had been made by some sweet old lady and were homemade. They were funeral food. By this I mean that my grandmother passed away and all these wonderful ladies had made us lots of food, for which we were so thankful. Anyway, I was putting the kids to bed and Mr. Shug yelled upstairs "Pablo just ate all the brownies". His voice sounded dismayed which only pissed me off because we all have learned by now that if you leave anything on the counter the dog will eat it. He is a "counter surfer". The kids know this, I know this, the neighbors know this, but somehow Mr. Shug does not??? I was fuming, not only did the dog cost way too much money and could now possibly die from chocolate poisoning but the kids had just heard him yell it and were freaking out about not having the brownies to eat. Diarrhea, vomit, possible death, upset kids wide awake, so much for having a relaxing evening. On the bright side - the whole plate of brownies will look so much better on his ass than mine! My diet is still on track thanks to the dog.

The Magnolia Garden

I'm trying to start a community garden at the end of my street! It sounds like a great idea, it is a great idea... I just can't get people motivated. I live with tree huggers, earth lovers, hippie mamas and the sort all around me but it seems people are busy. I want to go to the garden and be amazed by the bounty and beauty. It is true that last year I tried this same thing and got a good amount of support but the garden was a bust! This year I am learning from last years mistakes and have made some big changes. Maybe people are stuck on the fact that last year we worked really hard and got about 4 peppers, 2 cucumbers, a couple tomatos and thats about it. Well, the soil sucked and too many other things to mention. This year is better, raised beds, organic mushroom pro mix, rain barrell and knowladge from last year!