The Magic Wallet

We stopped at a gas station so everyone, including the dog (Pablo),  could take a bathroom break.  I ran in and bought some ice, refilled the chest in the back of the car and got everybody some water and grapes. And then I took over the driving.  I drove for the next 80 miles up and over an enormous mountain pass.  Everyone in the car, including Pablo, slept. Sometime later everyone woke and it was time to stop again.  We got out, took turns in the bathrooms and I walked the dog.  I was flagged back to the car by Shug. He was standing there at the back just pointing at something. Just pointing, not saying anything.  Which right away sent up a red flag. I mean, to just stand and point?  I took one look at what he was pointing at and shit myself  gasped.  My wallet was laying on the bumper... right where I had laid it when I got out the grapes and water.  While Shug stood around freaking out that not only was my important stuff in there but some of his too - I stood there thinking about my magic wallet.  I was really trying to focus on the magic wallet that stayed on the bumper all that way and not on the fact that I had left my wallet on the bumper!  I wanted Shug to recognize that it was only a wallet and not one of the children or the dog.  I took a picture of it and then we loaded back up, with Shug driving and I promptly took a xanax. And of course I spent the rest of the 7 day trip checking every 15 minutes to make sure that my wallet was in my purse.

A Day in the Life of a kick ass Stay @ Homer

Took the kids to their 2nd day of school which translates into 7hrs of me drinking and watching porn. Of course that's not true, I had lots of things to take care of and get done...and who could watch porn for 7hrs? horrible

Worked out with my personal trainer for 1hr. Mr. P decided that he would add jump rope sessions between every set of exercises to keep my hear rate up which in my opinion is already UP. So I learned to jump rope the correct way. Picture a boxer, like Rocky Balboa, but not at his prime, more like when he was trying to make a comeback and had gained a lot of weight. ANYWAY, lucky for me I was wearing black workout pants because turns out after birthing 2 kids "jumping rope" is synonymous with "lets pee myself". If that just freaked you out then pretend it's not true. I now have to decide if I'm going to give Mr.P (20 something yrs) a lesson on what happens to a woman's body after birthing or wear a pad. Both options suck.

Took Pablo to the dog park!

Went to the cleaners, the grocery, the photo shop, the post office, the bank, and the grocery.

Picked kids up from school.

Helped one with homework, made after school snacks, and folded 2 loads of laundry.

Prepared a yummy dinner of asparagus, fresh from the community garden black eye peas, broccoli and a rotisserie chicken (made by the grocery). As soon as I had gotten all the meat off the bones and plated it one of the kids called for me and while I was out of the room (for about 4 minutes) Pablo ate ALL the meat off the plate. All of it. I then nuked some frozen chicken nuggets.

Played with the kids, bathed the kids, put the kids to bed, kissed them goodnight, got a drink of water for one, tucked them back in, kissed them again, a then thanked my creator for the gift of my children.

Put away the dinner, cleaned the kitchen.

Sat on my wonderful front porch with R, my friend since 3rd grade, smoked cigarettes and had a glass of wine. I know the smokes are awful and I have already addressed it in an earlier post.

Made out with Mr. Shug.

It was a good day. There were a few things I had to leave out because if I put them in print I wouldn't be able to plead the 5th.

Irreconcilable Differences: He didn't shut the bathroom door

This morning I woke to find bathroom trash all over the house. I'm not a morning person and fake it everyday for the sake of my children but today there was no chance. Mr. Shug just "forgot I guess" to shut the bathroom door - for the 1 billionth time. How hard can it be? Last month I told him if he didn't start remembering to shut the door I was going to have to get a hysterectomy. Just saying it made me laugh my ass off - the response I got from him was one of those dumb husband stares. I know I ask a lot from him: pick up your underwear, dishes in the sink, take out the trash ONCE a week, but I don't think this is asking too much. Well, obviously it is... I don't want to resort to putting a screen door spring on the bathroom door but at this point I don't have a lot of options. Do you remember the chickens at the Fair that could do tricks? Every time they they poked a certain colored button with their beak a little treat would drop out. I bet if every time he remembered to shut the door a can of beer rolled down a shoot into his hand we wouldn't have a problem. I need to teach the old dog some new tricks, and teach Pablo that his food is the stuff in a bowl in the laundry room! Period

How Pablo saves my diet!

Pablo (our dog) just ate an entire plate of brownies off the kitchen counter. These weren't just any brownies, they had been made by some sweet old lady and were homemade. They were funeral food. By this I mean that my grandmother passed away and all these wonderful ladies had made us lots of food, for which we were so thankful. Anyway, I was putting the kids to bed and Mr. Shug yelled upstairs "Pablo just ate all the brownies". His voice sounded dismayed which only pissed me off because we all have learned by now that if you leave anything on the counter the dog will eat it. He is a "counter surfer". The kids know this, I know this, the neighbors know this, but somehow Mr. Shug does not??? I was fuming, not only did the dog cost way too much money and could now possibly die from chocolate poisoning but the kids had just heard him yell it and were freaking out about not having the brownies to eat. Diarrhea, vomit, possible death, upset kids wide awake, so much for having a relaxing evening. On the bright side - the whole plate of brownies will look so much better on his ass than mine! My diet is still on track thanks to the dog.