PMS - It's Not Just for Periods Anymore

I spent a better portion of yesterday thinking about how Mr. Shug and most of the other people I know where total dumb asses. Nobody could do/say anything right, except for me of course. Somewhere around mid afternoon I realized I must be having PMS. This has never been a problem for me but it seems as I get closer to 40 something is changing. I'm pissed just thinking about it. I don't mind at all that I'm almost 40, I'm pissed because now there is the very real possibility that once a month my husband is going to be secretly drawing up divorce papers in his head while my kids whisper to each other that they want me and daddy to split up so they only have to see me every other weekend. I do not want to be a bitch unless I want to be a bitch and PMS leaves me no option. Sister told me to take drugs (prescription, not pot), said she does every month for this reason. After some thinking I decided to get back on my "mommy's chasing butterflies" pill and pop the Xanex when I feel the PMS coming on. Problem solved. BUT THEN... last night as I listened to Mr. Shug droning on and on talking I realized this had nothing to do with menstrual...it was marital. I have been having Post Maritial Syndrome. I'm being a total bitch because I'm married! Armed with this new epiphany, I gave myself PXS - Post Xanex Syndrome, sat on the front porch, smoked cigarettes and sipped on some wine. The wine was thrown in for good measure, I didn't want the Xanex to have to kick the bitchy moods ass all by itself! I just feel empowered knowing that anytime during the month if I'm feeling bitchy and Mr. Shug says "Do you have PMS?" I can say yes and it will be true.

KY - XXX

My friend told me about Intense, a new KY product for women. The cost is $25.00. For KY? So I went to the website to check it out. I was blown away. By the website I mean. I was beyond grateful that the kids were at school. I felt like I had "accidently" stumbled onto a soft porn site. This is NOT the KY of our parents generation. Products for men, women, partners and couples. Massage, tingle, warming, his and hers, something for everyone. There is an "Intimacy Index" which helps you figure out where you are, where you want to be and how to get there. WOW. If you are not sure what to do with their products they will gladly explain, using very frank language, exactly where/how to use it. The site is very interactive, even offering you a place to create a wish list of your fantsies and the products you want your partner to buy. I'm laughing my ass off right now pictureing that being on a wedding invitation as places the couple are registered! I almost forgot, while your browsing the site there is porn music playing in the background to set the mood...I guess.

All this time I thought I had to go to a "special store" to get the goods and all I had to do was walk into my local drugstore! Not that I'm embarresed to go into the sexy shops, it's just more convient to run up the street and grab some allergy meds and a bottle of "Intrigue - to unlock my fantisies".

The website could almost count as a "fluffer". And if you don't know what that is then your not familiar with porn making lingo or have never hung out on my front porch with a bunch of my neighbors and a few bottles of wine. That could be a positive or a negative. Either way...

Did I buy the Intense? Maybe, but don't bother asking Mr. Shug because..... "K-Y® Brand INTENSE™ was specially formulated for a woman's use". That makes me laugh my head off! GO KY, your stepping out of the box and your not afraid of getting dirty!

KY

A Day in the Life of a kick ass Stay @ Homer

Took the kids to their 2nd day of school which translates into 7hrs of me drinking and watching porn. Of course that's not true, I had lots of things to take care of and get done...and who could watch porn for 7hrs? horrible

Worked out with my personal trainer for 1hr. Mr. P decided that he would add jump rope sessions between every set of exercises to keep my hear rate up which in my opinion is already UP. So I learned to jump rope the correct way. Picture a boxer, like Rocky Balboa, but not at his prime, more like when he was trying to make a comeback and had gained a lot of weight. ANYWAY, lucky for me I was wearing black workout pants because turns out after birthing 2 kids "jumping rope" is synonymous with "lets pee myself". If that just freaked you out then pretend it's not true. I now have to decide if I'm going to give Mr.P (20 something yrs) a lesson on what happens to a woman's body after birthing or wear a pad. Both options suck.

Took Pablo to the dog park!

Went to the cleaners, the grocery, the photo shop, the post office, the bank, and the grocery.

Picked kids up from school.

Helped one with homework, made after school snacks, and folded 2 loads of laundry.

Prepared a yummy dinner of asparagus, fresh from the community garden black eye peas, broccoli and a rotisserie chicken (made by the grocery). As soon as I had gotten all the meat off the bones and plated it one of the kids called for me and while I was out of the room (for about 4 minutes) Pablo ate ALL the meat off the plate. All of it. I then nuked some frozen chicken nuggets.

Played with the kids, bathed the kids, put the kids to bed, kissed them goodnight, got a drink of water for one, tucked them back in, kissed them again, a then thanked my creator for the gift of my children.

Put away the dinner, cleaned the kitchen.

Sat on my wonderful front porch with R, my friend since 3rd grade, smoked cigarettes and had a glass of wine. I know the smokes are awful and I have already addressed it in an earlier post.

Made out with Mr. Shug.

It was a good day. There were a few things I had to leave out because if I put them in print I wouldn't be able to plead the 5th.

The New Face of Whip Its?

I'm not sure what to say about this. I'm not sure what to say about the fact that I bought it. Have I reached a new low? Admittedly I am feeling lazy as summer rolls to an end. There are a million pancake mixes out there that only require you add water... and I bought one in a spray can???? In my defense, the kids were begging me, and going to the grocery with the kids is like strolling the market in Mexico. The constant barrage of "buy this" "please please buy this, your so pretty" "I'll do anything if you buy this, please" wears a mother out!

And as for the Whip Its part... I laughed my head off picturing a bunch of moms standing around doing a WI before making their kids breakfast. For the record, I have not done a Whip It in 20 years - it's so 80's.

13 Weeks to 40

I am turning 40 in 13 weeks and leaving for a long vacation in Jamaica in 14 wks. I am now officially in freak out mode. I am meeting with a personal trainer 3x a week, eating healthy and trying wanting to quit smoking. I know, I know, the whole smoking thing is so 89', stinky, stupid, and bad for me, I know this - that's why I'm wanting to quit. Anyway, I'm wanting to roll into 40 in the best shape of my life. Healthy, strong, and looking so good other girls call me Bitch behind my back. I understand this may sound vain, it is. And I don't give a shit.

I have come through the first 40 with lots of my brain cells intact, a group of amazing girlfriends, a cool house on an even cooler street, a husband that I love, 2 really funny & happy kids, and a reputation that I am proud of. And my hope for the next 40 is more of the same plus a body that is HOT. My trainer says if I do what he says I will get to that place. I'm thinking of posting a before and after picture. That does feel a little cheesy. What the hell, I love before and afters so I probably will. I will feel like such an asshole if I look the same in 14 wks because I screwed around and ate like a horse. OK, that may be just the motivation I need.

A Community Garden Kicks Ass

Its time for a Community Garden update. After practically forcing my neighbors to join me in the CG, that for awhile was a garden of one, things have really taken off. What was once an ugly empty lot at the end of our street is beautiful. It is kicking ass! I have harvested more tomatoes than I know what to do with, cantaloupe, bell peppers, jalapenos, purple bells, onions, and eggplant. While it is a CG, it is actually comprised of several individual gardens. A community space of gardens. I built it this way because I have the best neighbors in the world, who like to drink and enjoy other extracurricular activities that some times leave us/them zoned out, lazy and forgetful. Meaning that the garden may or may not get watered or tended when it needs to so this way each is in charge of their own space. There is a very strong sense of community and we help each other out whenever its needed, unless of course someone forgets what they were gonna do. This makes it sound like I live on a street filled with Alzheimer's patients. I am so happy that it has worked and how beautiful the space is now. Magnolia Community Garden Rocks!

Family Vacation Detox

We are home from family vacation. I don't even know where to begin. I'm grateful that we were able to go on vacation, that everyone came home safe and well ("well" is debatable when considering my mental health), that the children got to enjoy the beach and that there was a bar right beside the pool. Now onto the good stuff. The not so grateful parts: every time I told the kids "no" my in laws told them "yes, if its OK with your mom" - which makes me always look like the killjoy, one family member only needs a couple of drinks to get drunk (thanks to weight loss surgery) and 3 to get shit faced and is a very paranoid drunk, sand in the sheets, and the BEST one of all......... a family member posted pictures of me in my swimsuit on Facebook. This part sent me over the edge and required Xanax to pull me back. Who does that? I would never ever put a picture of one of my friends (or family) in their SWIMSUIT on the Internet unless they asked me to. Hell even movie starts want their photos airbrushed before the world sees them! I am in serious Family Vacation Detox.