Celebrating

What I Am Celebrating:

• A year without cigarettes.   I feel like a total badass! I am amazed and proud and, it seems, a bit boastful!

What I Am Not Celebrating:

• My ass has gotten bigger, my jeans a bit tighter and my face just a tad rounder.  Dammit. 

I had my Well Woman visit today. My doctor was so proud of me for quiting smoking and then gave me a talk about the weight I had gained.  She didn't go for my suggestion of taking up the smoking again to get the weight off.  Hmmmmm...  I then told her I was open to any suggestions she might have other than surgery, working out or cutting back on my intake.  Her response - "Hope you like tight jeans."  What I like is a doctor with quick wit and a bit of sass. 

I also had my mammogram and the last time someone squeezed my boobs that hard I was 15.  I do have to say that it was as good an experience as a mammogram could be.  I'm now in the age category of women who needs to have one a year. 

I'm thinking about adding a section to my blog for all the post that never got published - I have so many that I never finished, or I thought sounded to lame to post, or I got nervous someone I knew would read it, or for whatever crazy reason I more or less chickened out of publishing them.  Maybe I'll call it the chicken files...


                                                                   

I'm Back...

I'm back to blogging.  The title of this post makes it sound like I went somewhere and that is the excuse for the blog sucking with no new post.  But the reality is that I have gone nowhere.  Unless you count the land of the lazy.  I have been to lazy to write here.  I hate that about myself.  It makes me think maybe I'm not really a writer after all.  But I am.  I love to say I'm a writer.  Even if I'm only saying it to myself.  I am officially going to get off my ass and let my true writer self shine through.  But right now I have to go to the grocery, so I will have to write later.  One more thing, I'm still a non-smoker.  Its been 5 months now, or just about.  I think I may have written more when I smoked.  Which clearly is not a reason to start back up. Just saying.

Spring Girls Weekend

It's time for the Spring Girls Weekend.  This time we will be be staying in a hotel in a town with some really great shopping.  We will be shopping and hosting our on SGW Olympics.  What follows are group text messages regarding our planning of the trip.
M- 16 days Ladies, and I use the word ladies loosely.
D- D- Why? Am I a loose lady?
D - 14 days!
C- Fuck, 14?
R- This couldn't come at a better time
D - 10 days
D- 6 days!!!
R- This weekend really couldn't come at a better time, I need the break in a bad kind of way!
M- Hello Ladies! We leave in a mere 4 days so I'm giving out some info. The hotel has free breakfest and I'm bringing gatorade. It has a hot tub for C (if ya know what I mean), extended cable with pay per view porn which should make  D really happy, and a padded room for when R gets way to fucked up and starts talking like her baby!
D- Food and porn. Hell ya!
M- #1. Bring cash...you know why. #2. Reply with what all you are bringing so we can plan accordingly.
 #3. Come prepared to fuck shit up.
C- I'm bringing wine, chips, crackers, and the want to. Want to have a fucking good time!!!
R- I've got #3 covered
D- Shiner, Wine, reeses, Attitude and Moxy.
M- Well fuck ya!
R- Yall want me to make the Oatmeal Odyssey cookies?
M- Bring on the Odyssey because I'm bringing a trip :)  All in the name of love for the coolest bitches I know!
R- Oh hell yes! It's on! I'm so freaking useless today. I can't focus on anything but getting out of town!
D- I've already started the party.
C- I'm on my way now!!!
D- I'm close to your house!
M- Get here!!!
We will be on the road in about 12 hours.  Spring Girls Weekend is the Antidote for all things that suck!

Another Day Another Death I'm still not a Mortician

M - You might not should read this post, you just had a baby which is so happy and wonderful, and your hormones might still be wacky, and this post could be a bit of a downer to you.  So skip to another one!

I hesitate to even write about this death because my followers (the 2 of you) might be getting bored with the death and dying posts.  In 20 months I have lost my mother, my paternal grandmother and now my maternal gradmother.  I realize that everyone experiences death and I still sometimes can't fucking believe the shittyness of this lot.  Is shittyness even a word? Anyway, Sister and I took the children to see Mema for Christmas and a week later she had a stroke, never really recovered, and then Sister and I took her to Hospice and she died the day before mom's birthday. One of the craziest parts is that I feel like Sister and I should change our last name to Reaper because we have to keep sending people to hospice.


 We come from a matriarchal family and have now lost our three strongest women.  Our leaders, the ones who made the decisions, the ones that taught us how to be strong, bossy women, women that don't take anything less than what we deseve from a man.  Somedays the loss feels huge and other days it feels like there is a ton of pressure gone because these women who we have always felt the need to answer to are no longer checking on us.  You know how sometimes you look at a porn star and wonder... what if her mom or grandmother found out? Well, I could so totally be a porn star now because those women are gone from my life.  Not that I would, I'm just saying I could if I wanted.
 
Now Sister and I become those leaders.  We will teach my daughter how to lead, how men should treat her and how she should treat them.  We will show her how to be a fiercly loyal friend, a caretaker of her planet, a woman who knows how to give love and be loved.  And lots more.  We will be able to do this because we had such good teachers.  And she will also, by default, know how to throw an amazing funeral. Because she had watched us plan so many. And I'm not kidding when I say that we know all the ins and outs of funerals and ours rock.
 
PS I am still not smoking! All the stress of the holidays and the dying and still I refuse to take the habit back up!  I may or may not have made my own version of the candy necklace with Xanex, but I haven't smoked!!!

Drug Pusher Posing as Father in Law

This post was originally written in January but just now getting posted. 

I quit smoking.  I picked what might be the shitiest time of year to quit, wait maybe the aniversary of my mom's death might be a worse time but that would be it.  So hear I am on a another fab family vacation with all the in laws and I am now a non smoker. Let me sum up this vacation.  My MIL gets drunk off 2 glasses of wine 3X a day (remember the gastric bypass), BIL still doesn't talk and I'm still not believing that "he's so shy" bullshit, SIL is pretty cool this trip and promises not to post ugly picts of me on FB, and for the grand finalle...my FIL continues to try to force offer me lit cigaretts whenever no one is around while saying shit like "come on, no one will know", and "I won't tell anyone I swear". What the hell? He's like the worst drug pusher ever because he's wearing a grandfather costume.