Monday, September 28, 2009

PMS - It's Not Just for Periods Anymore

I spent a better portion of yesterday thinking about how Mr. Shug and most of the other people I know where total dumb asses. Nobody could do/say anything right, except for me of course. Somewhere around mid afternoon I realized I must be having PMS. This has never been a problem for me but it seems as I get closer to 40 something is changing. I'm pissed just thinking about it. I don't mind at all that I'm almost 40, I'm pissed because now there is the very real possibility that once a month my husband is going to be secretly drawing up divorce papers in his head while my kids whisper to each other that they want me and daddy to split up so they only have to see me every other weekend. I do not want to be a bitch unless I want to be a bitch and PMS leaves me no option. Sister told me to take drugs (prescription, not pot), said she does every month for this reason. After some thinking I decided to get back on my "mommy's chasing butterflies" pill and pop the Xanex when I feel the PMS coming on. Problem solved. BUT THEN... last night as I listened to Mr. Shug droning on and on talking I realized this had nothing to do with was marital. I have been having Post Maritial Syndrome. I'm being a total bitch because I'm married! Armed with this new epiphany, I gave myself PXS - Post Xanex Syndrome, sat on the front porch, smoked cigarettes and sipped on some wine. The wine was thrown in for good measure, I didn't want the Xanex to have to kick the bitchy moods ass all by itself! I just feel empowered knowing that anytime during the month if I'm feeling bitchy and Mr. Shug says "Do you have PMS?" I can say yes and it will be true.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


My friend told me about Intense, a new KY product for women. The cost is $25.00. For KY? So I went to the website to check it out. I was blown away. By the website I mean. I was beyond grateful that the kids were at school. I felt like I had "accidently" stumbled onto a soft porn site. This is NOT the KY of our parents generation. Products for men, women, partners and couples. Massage, tingle, warming, his and hers, something for everyone. There is an "Intimacy Index" which helps you figure out where you are, where you want to be and how to get there. WOW. If you are not sure what to do with their products they will gladly explain, using very frank language, exactly where/how to use it. The site is very interactive, even offering you a place to create a wish list of your fantsies and the products you want your partner to buy. I'm laughing my ass off right now pictureing that being on a wedding invitation as places the couple are registered! I almost forgot, while your browsing the site there is porn music playing in the background to set the mood...I guess.
All this time I thought I had to go to a "special store" to get the goods and all I had to do was walk into my local drugstore! Not that I'm embarresed to go into the sexy shops, it's just more convient to run up the street and grab some allergy meds and a bottle of "Intrigue - to unlock my fantisies".
The website could almost count as a "fluffer". And if you don't know what that is then your not familiar with porn making lingo or have never hung out on my front porch with a bunch of my neighbors and a few bottles of wine. That could be a positive or a negative. Either way...
Did I buy the Intense? Maybe, but don't bother asking Mr. Shug because..... "K-Y® Brand INTENSE™ was specially formulated for a woman's use". That makes me laugh my head off! GO KY, your stepping out of the box and your not afraid of getting dirty!